ALFONZO VERSION 7.0

Hello again my sexy Frankenchildren! It's been a while since I last wrote, but with good reason. Because, I'm proud to say, your dear old Uncle Alfonzo has just become a father! Many times over! Ha ha ha! My little joke, of course. The actual reason I haven't done my column in ages is because I have been "a lazy bastard". But hey! The pile of CDs has been mounting, and I've found time to listen to, er... well, nearly some of them! And that's what you pay me for, is it no? (Alfonzo? You're Fired!- Ed)

It is always healthy, I feel, to start a column with a band called TITS OF DEATH - and especially if the band are currently plunging London into a very poisonous bosom indeed, with psyche metal and kitsch fanzine culture. We worship and fear you ToD!
RATING: MELON MILKSHAKE

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TITS OF DEATH: "BRA SIZE 666, PLEASE"

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Meanwhile, back in the misleading safety of my home country, Italy's EPSTEIN SUPERFLU are on a mission... to dement my brain! That's right - these cunning prog blues maniacs are well practised at osmosis, and they will osmose their Syd Barrett like- evil into your head at a rapid and merciless speed. Tasty!
RATING: MUSHROOM PATE ON TOAST

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It's time to meet a "seemingly rather cute" but actually "totally and thoroughly evil" band! And LITTLE JOY BOX are the Indiepop fiends in question. YYY's ish vocals pertrude nursery rhyme-esque Xylaphones .. but wait! what's this? Once you get past the pink balloons and the cutesy outerlayer they are basically as sinister sounding as Portishead! Aaaarggghh!
RATING: CARROT CAKES

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Let's! Go! Down! the! Indie! Pop! Club! Because PEEPHOLES have sent me a very cool EP called 'Teen Hero'. The guitars sound like Mick Ronson's laptop crashing, the vocals sound like Bis on the last day of school, and the trashpop attitude cuts the previous strings loose. Get these guys onto Art Goes Pop!
RATING: MASHED POTATO WITH GRAVY

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MEN IN CAVES have lots of potential - a love of lobster and squid imagery for one thing - and a breezy West Coast vibe for another. It's not very often that you get rock shanties with muscle (no pun intended)- and they're done well here in a Nirvana VS Decemberists way. Just a few more catchy choons boys, and we'll be on our way!
RATING: SMOKED LANGOUSTINE

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MEN IN CAVES: INSERT ROCK POOL JOKE HERE

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Finally, into each life a little U2 must fall, and TRAIL are going for the Unforgettable Fire vibration in spades. These stadium cravers are BIG and AMBITIOUS! and will certainly give Doves fans something to cling to - as long as they avoid giving Bon Jovi fans something to cling to.
RATING: WHALES' BRAINS

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ONLY THE TASTIEST UNSIGNED BANDS MAKE IT ONTO ALFONZOS DEMO KITCHEN!
SEND UNSIGNED DEMOS, ORIGINAL RECIPES AND SEXUAL REQUESTS TO THE FOLLOWING ADDRESS:
ALFONZOS DEMO KITCHEN
82 MEDIAN RD
LONDON
E5 0PN

OR IF YOU ARE A LAZY BONES JUST MAKE BUDDIES WITH HIM AT
ALFONZOS DEMO MYSPACE