Skinny Jeans Can F*** Off

So if I throw a Twix Bar at the Judas Ashley Cole in one of those ludicrous 11:30am Saturday morning Premier League games I get banned from the soulless, emotionless Emirates Stadium for life! But a specky gob shite Rifles fan throws bottles, coins and endless abuse at Example at The Astoria and all he gets is a ticking off by the bouncers? There’s a growing trend within the much forced Hip-Hop/ Indie crossover in this country which threatens to spill over into some very-physical violence and Tego doesn’t like it! Example doesn’t make it easy on himself sporting a T-Shirt with the slogan “SKINNY JEANS CAN F*** OFF!” emblazoned across the front in a very bright Turtles-ooze Green, but to be fair if The Rifles can laugh why can’t a Rifles fan? Wait… what’s a Rifles fan? Actually, what’s a Rifles? MySpace says they’re Rock/ Punk/ Ska…awesome! Influenced by The Beatles? No way! The Clash? Oh my! The Jam? You’re scaring me now! Bob Marley? Whoa these guys really know their onions! Oasis…wait. Have they been around long enough to be considered credible again? Are Oasis credible? I can’t keep up. Last time I checked The Police were uncool. They’re still uncool right? I wonder if The Rifles are influenced by Sting’s crew? Yes. Of course they are, oh wow The Rolling Stones you don’t say? Never heard them, do they have a MySpanner? If Hip-Hop’s blamed for a rise in gun crime what are The Rifles and The Rifles like bands blamed for? There must be something to blame them for right? If The Rifles are influenced by that great band Motown then what would it take to “Influence” a Rifles fan? I wonder if The Rifles hit –I say “Hit” I mean the song with the most plays on their MySpit- ‘She’s Got Standards’ make the young impressionable male demographic feel like women are unattainable causing depression, and a fear of inadequacy leading to some kind of self harm attempt? I wouldn’t like to think so but I’m not David Cameron am I? Do Artrocker like The Rifles? Tom, do you like The Rifles? Marc? What’s the deal here? I’m going to be honest; I find it hard keeping up. There aren’t enough social networking sites in the world to force me to check whether I like, feel indifferent towards or straight up hate bands who this bloke Will I met at ULU the other day described as “Like that Kasabian lot innit?”

I’m pretty sure writing about MySpace, even if you’re doing the music journalism irony thing is uncool these days. These things go out of fashion, like female music journalists constantly referencing men’s genitalia in reviews… for real though; listening to this bridge definitely explains why the bass player should see his doctor about a prescription for Viagra. I think I just made half of Artrocker hate me. Maybe more? You’d never catch a male writer saying “The hook sounds like she’s got crap tits” it just plain wouldn’t be allowed! To be fair though I’m all about double standards I just plain ignore female rappers. Not because I’m a female hating Rifles fan, just because they’re no good. I can’t explain it; I don’t think anybody can. It’s probably something to do with all the irrational and all the mood swinging or something. I’ll tell you what I like about that there MySpunk though, is the ‘Kudos’ option. How great must that feel? Getting ‘2 Kudos’ for a bit of writing, the most I ever get is abuse because I don’t much care for MF Doom or Jehst or Spank Rock –Not funny. Just shit- it’s not like they’re ever going to take out any advertising space in Artrocker anyway. A great band like The Rifles on the other hand, their amazing blend of Rock, Punk and Ska is always welcome on our inside right, speak to Chris, he’ll do you a deal, give us money and Tego won’t mention you ever again. Chris did that Twang advert come through? Good, good. Seriously, The Twang? Is this what we’re reduced to? I say “We” I mean you. Who would win in a fight, The Twang or Oasis circa 1995? Can Oasis fight? Looks can be deceiving, remember the time Westlife beat up So Solid? I wonder what Blak Twang reckons to The Twang? What are better, female rappers or The Twang? You’ll have to keep checking my column for the answers to this complex series of questions.

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For future reference I will no longer be responding to the following questions..

5. Is Hip-Hop really dead?
4. Don’t you just hate Akon?
3. If you don’t like it why don’t you just ignore it?
2. Did you hear they’re making a new Wu Tang album?
1. Do you have a MySpace?